Water Ch. 231 - Hoping It Would Never End

 

 

"Does Dalton make you happy?" he says to her as she takes a step out the door.  She stops, walks back in and closes the door most of the way.

She looks at Jon, curious where the question was coming from and says, "Yes.  Why?"

"I mean really happy?"

"What are you looking for Jon?"

"Is he a good lover?" and there it was, what he really wanted to know.  Was Dalton a good lover to Beth, he's hoping that the sex is terrible.

She closes the door the rest of the way and leans on the it.  Feeling a little silly, she can't look at him when she says, "We haven't had sex yet."  she holds her breath.

Jon, fluffing his chest a little like he is the top dog asks her, "Why?  You've been dating a while, haven't you?"

She slides down the door and sits on the floor, "Not that it's any of your business, but since my last relationship started with sex on the first date, I decided to wait until the time was right."

"But you've been together a while?" he can't believe what he was hearing.  She was a sexual creature and he knows what her appetite was like.  He loved that about her.  "Are you going to Greece together?"

"Ya know Jon, I've changed a lot, believe it or not.  And my decision to not have sex with Dalton yet is also driven by a fear of getting pregnant.  That is my biggest fear in life right now."

He sits on the floor, they are now knee caps to knee caps.  "Why are you afraid of that?  Fear that you will lose another one?"

She looks up at him, "Yeah, that's a pretty tough thing to deal with.  Plus, I can't imagine having kids with anyone but you."

He doesn't know what to say to that, except, "You need to stop being afraid and live your life.  You never know, Dalton may make you happy all the way around and give you the baby that you want."

She just shakes her head no.

"Babe.....I mean Beth, you have never been afraid of anything in your life, what's changed?"

"I've changed, Jon." she blurts back, wanting so bad for him to hold her and tell her that everything will be just fine.  But she knows that that won't happen.  "Since you told me about Melissa, I have second guessed my judgment about everything.  Was I too hard on you, was I too mean to Dorothea, did I let the kids walk all over me, did I give Richie mixed signals..........the list goes on.  Many nights I lay awake and run everything through my head, like I can change the ending - but I can't."

He takes her hand and kisses it, "With a new beginning comes a new ending.  Make it happen the way that you want, Beth.  Give the guy a chance."

"I'm trying." she admits, "It's just not the same.  He travels a lot, and I don't even worry that he might have a piece of as on the side, that's terrible.  He's a good man, with a heart of gold but he's lacking something I thought maybe I could create in him, but I can't."

 

"Create, what do you mean?" he's still holding her hand, "what's he lacking?"

 

Beth can't look at him, she keeps her eyes fixed on the floor, but she has to answer his question, he needs to understand.  "This.  Right here.  He'd never sit on the floor with me and when I don't see him for days at a time, we have to catch up.  With you, here it's been almost a year since we've seen each other and it's like we never skipped a beat."

 

"It's hard to find what we had, Beth.  I gave up looking for it because I knew and still know that you are my soul mate." he admits to her and it's a bitter sweet sound to her ears.

 

She looks at him, "I'm sorry, Jon.  I am so sorry."  a tear rolls down her cheek and with one finger, he wipes it away.

 

"Don't be sorry.  What's done is done.  I love you still, with every ounce of my being, but you hurt me too many times and too deep."

 

"I  know."

 

"I appreciate that you came down here to talk to me, but that's as far as it will ever go."

 

She starts to stand up to leave, and he holds her hand and stops her from standing.  "I should go.  I have a plane to catch in the morning."

 

"You have time.  Sit."

 

"I really should go, Jon.  I did what I came here to do." she tells him. 

 

"Well, I'm not done.  Could you give me a chance to say what I have to say?" he asks.  She can see that he has a lot on his mind, but she's not sure that she can mentally or emotionally handle what he has yet to say.

 

She sits back down on the floor and says, "I'm sorry, please go ahead."

 

"I know it's hard for you to be here, and it's just as hard for me to have you here - but I think this is exactly what both of us needed to do." 

 

"I agree." she smiles at him. 

 

He turns his body just enough to lay back on the floor.  His hands are under his head and his t-shirt came up just enough so she could see a little bit of his sexy and hairy belly.  "When you left me in New Jersey and went back to California, I told my self; wait, I promised myself that I wouldn't let you back in.  Because every time you left me, with you you took a huge part of me.  And every time you came back, it's like you left the part of me that you took back in California.  You had 'healed' or dealt with what you had to and when you came back, you were fine.  It was me that was still fucked up but I had to put on a happy face and just go with it."

 

Beth reaches over and runs her fingers through his hair, "What more can I say?  I truly am sorry that I hurt you and your family.  I can't take it away, but I can try to make up for it."

 

"How do you purpose that you do that?  You cannot mend a broken heart that's shattered into a million pieces.  The scar tissue eventually holds it all together."

 

"Is that what's talking now, your scar tissue?"  she asks, wondering where all of that came from. It sounded like he got that analogy from a therapist.

 

"Beth, you ripped my heart out, stomped on it and then kicked it to the curb."

 

Beth is getting defensive, she knows what he's saying is true - but did he forget what he's done to her?  "I know this is your time to talk, but can I jump in here for a second?"

 

He nods his head.

 

"Do you remember what you and your wife had done to me?  Do you think I left for no reason, Jon.  Just got pissy and bolted?  That's not the case and you know it."

 

"Beth, I'm not trying to minimize or dismiss what you went through, at all.  I just want you to know what you have done to me."

 

"Anything I did to you was a direct consequence of what was done to me." she snaps back.

 

Jon sits up, looking her in the eye.  "Let's just bottom line this, okay.  You left me several times to deal with backlash of whatever was going on, with no regard for what that might be doing to me.  My children miss you like crazy and I really am glad that you still see them, they need you in their life.  You were the constant that was there when their mom went off the deep end.  But, in regards to me - I think you're toxic on an emotional level.  I love you so much and miss you more than you will ever know, but I can't see you anymore."

 

That was the dagger through the heart and that was all she needed to hear.  "Ok, then I guess it's time for me to go."  She stands up and puts her hand on the door knob.  Jon jumps up and stops her.  "I'll go Jon."

 

They are face to face and the tears rolling down her cheeks break Jon's heart.  He wants so bad to take her in his arms and hold her, but his mind is telling him no.  The heart is telling him hold her and the mind is telling him let her go.