Water Ch. 156 - When It Hurts; Breathe

 

They both are sitting on the counter, with the plate of mango chicken between them.  They are picking and talking, about any and everything, avoiding what they need to discuss.  He keeps looking at her, looking for a sign that she really missed him.  He knows that she missed him and he hopes that she knows that her missed her, cause right now felt right.  He pulls off a piece of the cold chicken and feds it to her.  She gently bites down on his finger, and that scares him a little bit.  She laughed so hard, chicken came out of her mouth.  Still laughing, she says "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist." 

 

"It scared me,  that's all.  Wasn't expecting it."  And he licks the mango off of his finger.  "What do you want to drink?"  Jon hops off the counter and opens the fridge.  "All I see is milk and water, for you."  Looking around to see what else is in there, he adds, "Oh wait, it's your lucky day - I see there is orange and apple juice, too"

 

"Water, please."

 

"Bottle?"

 

"Yes, please."

 

Jon grabs each of them a bottle of water and turns back to Beth.  Standing in front of her, she opens her legs and he falls into place.  The bottles of water are put down on each side of Beth and he just rests his head on her shoulder.  Her arms draw him in and she holds him, and he holds her back.  She feels so at ease, and so rested.  She could stay right where she is, forever.

 

Jon breaks the silence with, "Did you miss me?"

 

Beth is taken back by that question.  She can't believe that she just heard what she did.  "Of course I did.  How could you ask me that, Jon."

 

"You never called or anything."

 

"Neither did you."

 

Looking in her eyes he asks her, "Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to?"

 

"I can say the same thing."

 

"Why didn't you call or anything?'

 

She barks back, "Why didn't you?"

 

"You walked out of my life, without explanation, Beth.  THAT told me that you didn't want to hear from me?"  He pulls back a little and her legs snapped into action, holding him in place.

 

"Let's go upstairs and finish this, okay?  We need to ge tthis out of the way."  She lets go of the hold that she had on him with her legs, he steps back so she can hop down off the counter.  She jumps down and together they clean up their little mess. 

 

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He standing at his dresser, looking at his cell phone - making sure that Stephanie hadn't called.  No missed calls, he walks to his side of the bed, where Beth is already sitting.  He sits next to her and she grabs his hand.

 

"I know that I left in a really bad way.  I know that I hurt you and your children, Jon.  And for that, I am so sorry.  But I had to get out of there, away from the madness to save myself and my sanity.  I know you will never understand this, but when I found out that it was Dorothea that called in that threat, I realized she will always be a part of my life, if I was with you.  I didn't want that Jon.  I didn't want her in every corner, every memory and every facet of my life, of our life."  Beth pauses and shift herself a little bit, then continues, "She had already ruined so many things and I wasn't going to let her, in anyway, put my pregnancy and our babies in the shadow of anything."  She can feel herself getting anxious and her heart was starting to race - but she knows that it needs to be said, "The last few weeks have been some of the loneliest weeks of my life, yet some of the happiest.  The nights were the hardest, when I would go to bed alone." 

 

Jon can see that she is on the verge of crying and he really doesn't know what to do.  She hated being smothered when she was sad, but he couldn't just let her sit there and cry.  He knows that she needs to know that he's listening and that what she is saying is important.   He reaches up and brushes her cheek, wanting badly to kiss her creamy skin.  But he resists.  She looks at him and he tells her, "Go on, babe.  I'm listening."

 

She takes a deep breath, "I never once thought, once we knew it was Dot, that she would ever hurt me.  I know she may hate me and blame me, but she simply wouldn't do it because it would hurt you.  Hurting you isn't what she wanted to do, she wanted to scare me.  And on some degree, she did."  Running her fingers through her hair, and stopping at the base of her skull, she starts to rub her neck. "She wants to hold onto you and she will do whatever she THINKS will work, sadly, she never thought it through.  I know that she was charged and she had to deal with whatever form of punishment, but when I think about it - we all did 'time' with her.  From her suicide attempt to the death threat, we all paid for it on one level or another."

 

"Can I say something?"

 

"Yes, please.  Why am I doing all the talking?"

 

"Once we found out it was Dot, honey there was nothing I wanted to do more than make her go away.  I never thought that you would leave me at a time like that.  A time when we needed to be united and show her, and the world that we were going to get through that.  Instead, you ran back to California and left me to deal with it all......."

 

"I know, and I'm sorry.  There isn't anything I can do about that now."

 

"Beth, the nights were hard for me, as well as the days.  The kids wanted to know what was going on, and then when their mom got out, they really wondered.  I actually took them to Dot's therapist, with Dorothea and had him tell them what's going on in her head.  He also explained to Dot that our marriage is over, and any attempt to try to save it would be a waste of energy.  I didn't know what else to do, I didn't have you at my side and I had no explanation as to why you left.   I STILL don't understand how you walked away at the time that you did.  Me AND the kids needed you and you let us down."  With a heavy breath he gets up and walks out onto the deck.  Beth watches him walk away and says nothing.  What can she say.  He finally her have it, and she is left feeling like an ass.

 

A few minutes later, Beth finally goes to the man that she loves, out on the deck.  Walking up behind him, she pus her hands on his back and rubs in an upward motion, coming back down on his arms, stopping with her arms around his waist.  She kisses his back, and says, "I know I let you guys down Jon.  I know that.  But it was you or me at that point and I had to go with myself.  I have been in this whirlwind romance with you, to only be fought all the way by something, or someone.  And to have her make that call was the icing on the cake.  I had my limit, of her and her bullshit.  It seemed like we were always fighting some evil force all the time."  She rests her head on his back and he reaches down and covers her hands with his.  She needs to finish what she has to say, "It's getting chilly out.  What a beautiful night."

 

Not letting go of her hands, Jon turns around and faces her, with a tear in his eye.  "You left me to deal with the death threat nonsense and took my babies from me, because you felt like we were fighting an evil force?  Beth, that's called life."  She is shocked by the tone of his voice and she can see in his eyes that he's pissed off.  "You always walk out when things get tough and I need to be with someone that I can count on Beth, someone that will be there with me and for me at all times.  And each time you leave, each time you run - it gets harder to count on you.  And that kills me."

 

 

Jon can feel himself getting angry about the whole situation now, and he thought he had made it passed the angry part of it.  It's the forgiveness that he was having trouble with.  He needed to move away from her, he needed to breathe.  He dropped her hands and moved away.  Beth is quite dumbfounded, really unaware of what she should say.  He just killed a small part of her by telling her that he couldn't count on her.  She's thinking to herself, 'He's right."

 

With their eyes locked and Jon looking sadder than she's ever seen him, he tells her, "Beth I don't know if I can do another disappearing act.  The last one about killed me."

 

"What are you saying, Jon?"  Beth walks toward him and he hold ups a hand.  She stops and looks at him, puzzled.  "Jon, what's going on?"

 

He knows that he has to stand firm on this.  He needs her to know that he is dead serious about the things she has done, and what they have done to him and his children.

 

"Why do you run when things get heated?  Or when things get crazy?"

 

 

"I said I was sorry Jon.  What more do you want me to say?" she deflates and sighs, not knowing what to do. 

 

"Sorry?  Sorry?  You think sorry is going to make it all okay?  Make the feelings of abandonment go away? I don't think you realize the gravity of the situation.  The kids were pretty upset and then I had the media to deal with.  Jesus, Beth - did you ever think about what might be going on back here?"

 

"Yeah Jon, yeah I did.  I thought about it every fucking day.  Did you want me to come all the way here, so that you could do this me?  Was it your intention when you sent me the email and told me to meet you here, at 8:00?"  Beth is getting defensive, and that makes her mad.  She gets why he's so pissed, but what flipped the switch in him?   "Why did we go from talking to yelling at one another?

 

"Because I am fucking pissed, and talking about it just made it all real again.  I look at you, and forgiveness is right there.  Then I remember the sleepless nights, the fights with Dot, the media, my parents, the kids and I still had to work.  When Dot went into the hospital, I thought we were good.  We had the perfect family, with the babies on the way and I had you, behind me.  I felt unstoppable, and then you left.  It's like you took my breath with you when you left. You killed me, again."

 

Beth needs to sit, she's feeling light headed and her thoughts are all over the place.  "Have you ever put yourself in my shoes?  I entered your world, I think, completely by fate.  We hit it off and fell in love.  We have been tested and challenged the entire way.  Everything is either hindered or shadowed by Dorothea and the stupid shit she pulls.  Jon, I am going to be a mother.  A first time mother with TWINS, I AM GOING TO BE A MOTHER.  Shouldn't that be the happiest time in my life?  But oh no, Dot had to ruin that.  The right of passage that we were blessed with and that stupid bitch had to pull a stunt, just to kill ANY happiness we might have been feeling.  I was robbed of telling people the way that I wanted to.  We had to hurry and tell the press so you could do damage control.  Who gives a shit if Dorothea told the press we were having a baby.  Who Jon?  I didn't.  I went along with what you said we needed to do.  And don't even try to tell me that it's part of being with a celebrity, cause that's bullshit and you know it."

 

"Beth, I have been in the business long enough to know what's going t happen.  Damage control about the pregnancy was more for you, not me."

 

"And then there's the death threat, WE had to grab the kids and run into hiding because Dorothea wanted to be a bitch?  Why is that okay?  She can threaten my life and you're pissed that I went to California, where I always feel safe?"

 

"Beth, you bailed on me and you bailed on us."  He can't take it any more.  Seeing her, pulled the scab off the wound on his heart.  It hurt to bad to be there with her.  "I'm going to go for a walk.  I'll be back later."  Jon goes in and gets dressed. Beth follows him in.

 

"Do you want me to go with you?"

 

"I'd like to go alone, okay?" he doesn't even look at her.

 

"Yeah, sure.  Are you coming back?" she really wonders if her will.  All he has to do is make a phone call and he can be out of Queensbury in a heartbeat.

 

"I don't know."

 

"Seriously Jon?  It's not okay for me to run when times get tough, but you can?"

 

"BETH, I JUST NEED SOME TIME!"

 

She turns around and walks away.  Sitting on her side of the bed, with her back to Jon, she can hear him leave.  She hears the boots on the hardwood floor. She is quickly losing composure, feeling a little like he baited her to get her their so he could do and say what he just did,  While he's gone, she walks from room to room, trying to see if she was able to see him.  She lost sight of him when he rounded the corner by the fire station.  It was late and it was really dark, she didn't think he would be gone too long.

 

She crawled back into bed and grabbed his pillow.  As the seconds pass by, she feels her eyes getting heavy and she can't keep them open anymore.  Fading off to sleep, her last thought was I hope he comes back.  We can get through this.

 

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The birds were loud and so were the children laughing in the next yard.  Beth opens her eyes and sees that Jon wasn't in bed next to her. She sits up and looks around.  There is no sign or evidence that he even came back last night.  She gets out of bed and puts on his bathrobe.  She trots downstairs and sees him no where.  As she walked from room to room, she seen his head through the window of the door that was put in for wood delivery to the basement.  He was sitting on the back, back porch. 

 

The Bunn made a quick cup of coffee and Beth hurried out to Jon with a fresh cup.  "Hey."

 

He looks up at her and says, "Hi."

 

"How long have you been out here?  Why didn't you come in?"

 

"Beth, please sit.  We need to talk." he asks, and the way he asked, told her that it wasn't open for discussion.  She sat next to him on the step.

 

"Ok, talk."

 

"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone, in my whole life.  And this kills me to do this, but I can't be in a relationship like this.  I need someone on my team, and my team includes my children.  I don't get the feeling that you are ready for the long haul, because you don't like the bumps in the road.  I'm going back to New Jersey today and I think we need to move on.  Let's remember the great times that we have had, and focus on our daughters.  I will do whatever you need me to do, for them.  If you need money, let me know.  I beg you that you keep me updated on the pregnancy, please.  It's important to me to know that my girls, and you are okay."  He puts his head on hers and whispers, "I will miss you like crazy, but I need to take care of me and mine now.  I'm sorry."

 

"So this is how it ends?  You get upset with me because I'm not happy with what has done?  How she scared me and possibly put our babies and your children in jeopardy.  You condone her behavior but punish me for mine."  She's outraged, and on one hand, she feels a little relief.  "I love you and this isn't what I want, but I love you enough to let you go, if that's what you really want." 

 

"I need out of this relationship.  It's toxic and it's not good for my kids.  Beth, you hurt them more than their own mother has.  Her suicide attempt was her cry for help, and where the older kids are involved - that blew up in her face.  Stephanie goes over there to protect Romeo and Jake, from her wacky ways.  And that's too much for Stephanie.  Round the clock care just makes sure that she doesn't try to hurt herself.  She needs more and so do the kids."

 

"You're going back to Dorothea, aren't you?

 

 

Bon Jovi - Breathe

http://youtu.be/7p-hnEy6jd4