Water Ch. 160 - I Wasn't There When You Were Happy

 

 

He walked in and found her crying, sitting in the hallway, just outside the nursery door.  She couldn't bring herself to go in there when she got home. 

 

"Hey." he says to her as he kneels down to hold her.  With his arms around her, as tight as he could he said, "I got here as fast as I could."  She busts at the seams and just cries.  Jon sits there and holds her until she is ready to talk or move, rubbing her back and kissing her head.  She melts into him and he can feel that she was relieved he had arrived.

 

His butt had fallen asleep and so did Beth.  Not wanting to wake her up, he tries very hard to scoot out from underneath her so he can carry her to bed.  He was able to get out from underneath her and was just about ready to pick her up, when she woke up.  For a moment, she had forgotten her nightmare and was surprised to see Jon.  "What are you doing here?"  She sits up on the floor and then she remembers.  She looks up at him and can't help but shed more tears.  

 

He reaches for her hand, "Come on, let's get you into bed."  She takes his hand and stands up.  As soon as she's one her feet, takes advantage of the situation and throws his arms around her.  "I love you."  Beth takes a step toward her bedroom, and she stops.  Looking back over her shoulder, she can see the glow of the street light come in through the twins nursery.  She turns to walk in, but she can't cross the threshold.  Jon is behind her, close enough that Beth knows he's there; yet far enough to not suffocate her.  He knows her well enough to know his place, when she was in crisis. 

 

"I just got this finished last week."  she says through the tears and the sobs.  "All I needed to do was wash the bassinet sheets before they came home."  And her head rests on the door jamb, with a steady stream of tears flowing from her eyes. 

 

"It's beautiful."  he has no idea what he's supposed to say.  He doesn't know how to comfort anyone in a situation like this.  "Do you want me to go in with you?"

 

"I can't go in, not yet."

 

He reaches up and rubs her back, "Let's get you into bed.  You look exhausted."

 

"I am." And she turns to face him and sought comfort in his chest.  "I want to wake up from this nightmare." 

 

"What can I do for you?"  She just moves her head back and and forth to let him know that there wasn't anything that she wanted him or needed him to do.

 

She needs to lay down, she can feel herself getting woozy and she is exhausted.  "I'm going to bed."  And she walks away.  He's not far behind her, he prayed for the day that he would be next to her again.  Holding her, in bed.  She went to her side of the bed, took off her shirt, dropped her pants and took off her bra.  She couldn't look down, she couldn't look at the bump.  It was too painful.  She grabbed her Bon Jovi tshirt and put it on.  That made Jon smile on the inside.  Standing there watching her, he can't but help to look at the baby bump.  And her words run through his head, they're gone Jon.

 

"Do you want me to get you anything?  Let me help you." he pleads with her.

 

She draws back the blankets and gets in bed.  She looks over at him, really looks at him and says, "Go take a shower, Jon.  You look like you just traveled the world." and she kind of laughs.  "You look like hell."

 

"Are you going to be okay?"

 

"What can I do?  I have to be okay.  Go shower." and she motions him away.  Not in a bad or mean way, but if he's going to climb into bed with her, he's going to be clean.  She knows he just finished a show before he flew down to be at her side once again. 

 

He walks to her side, bends over and kisses her on the forehead, "I'll hurry, okay."

 

She nods and he walks off to take his shower.  She lays there, and fights the urge to rub her belly - like she has done night after night.  She can't stop the thoughts that her babies are gone.  The babies that she fought hard to keep them safe and now they are gone.  On one hand, she thinks that it's torture being forced to carry them for the 4 days before the surgery. 

 

Jon gets out of the shower and throws on some boxers.  He gets into bed and he pulls her close.  She seemed to have stopped crying and he thought that maybe she'll talk.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

 

She looks at him and gives him, an I love you smile, but she says, "There really isn't anything to talk about.  They didn't find either heartbeat and if they stay in there too long - they could get me sick." 

 

He turns on his side, and has his hand above her belly.  "May I?"  She looks at him with fresh tears and tells him yes.  He gently lays his hand on her belly and rubs it, she can see that he's having a hard time with it and he starts to cry.  "What happened?"  She takes his hand and tries very hard to keep it together.  He deserved to hear the facts without the interruption of her cries.  He deserved more than that.

 

"All I can tell you is what I remember.  The visit is a blur.  They didn't find a heartbeat or blood flow through the cord.  They aren't viable.  They're gone, Jon." 

 

"But what makes that happen?"

 

She cries as she tells him, "They can find out if we send them to the lab, and do testing.  I assume it will be like an autopsy.  I don't want them cutting my babies Jon.  They won't use them in a lab."

 

"Okay, we won't let them, but we need to find out why.  We can ask more questions when you go in for the procedure." he continues to rub her belly.

 

"I feel phantom kicks.  They're moving right now."

 

"My mom sends her best.  She wants to know what she can do to help.  I hate to ask, but do you want a service for them?"

 

Beth hadn't even thought about that.  She was still stuck at the lab and testing.  "Yes, I would.  I want a proper burial for them, Jon.  They deserve a beautiful final resting place."  She sits up and tucks her knees close to her belly.  "Last night they were all over the place.  It felt like world war three in my belly.  And this morning, they're gone.  Why do these things happen to me? To us?  What did I do that was so awful that God would keep taking things from me and putting such obstacles in my way?"

 

He reaches up and cups her face in his hand, gently kissing her lips he says, "We will get through this, together.  I promise you."  She turns her head to look at him and gives him a half smile.  She can't imagine how anyone makes it through this.  This is the worst thing she has ever had to deal with, this is worse than losing Brian. 

 

"I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next four days, Jon.  They're in me and they aren't moving.  They're dead.  How am I going to get through this?" 

 

He lays back and moves in close to her, places his hand on her thigh and tells her, "We'll keep you busy, unless you're not up to it.  How are you feeling?  Are you having any pain?"

 

"Other than my heart?  No, nothing is different.  I feel fine.  With the exception of the lump in my throat and the anxiety."  She reaches down and takes his hand.

 

"Is there something that you want to do?  Do you want to go away for the next few days?"  he has no idea what to say, even less of an idea what to do.  He doesn't want to say or do the wrong thing, as now is not the time to be an egotistical asshole.

 

She shakes her head no, and asks, "Do you have any questions?"

 

"No, not really. My only concern is you right now.  Any questions I have or that may come up can wait.  What do you want me to do?"  Jon has never felt so helpless or felt so hopeless.  He's always had the answer or had someone that did.  He's never unprepared and rarely caught off guard.  He is like a fish out of water.

 

Beth rolls over, facing away from Jon and she asks, "Will you hold me until I fall asleep?  I'm tired, hon."  Jon jumped at the chance to hold her, the chance to snuggle with her and to be her rock.  Moving in, he fit her like a glove and wanted to be nowhere else right now.  He had his Beth in his arms, and whatever they were going to face, they were going to face it together.

 

"You good?"  As he puts his leg over her and locks his foot on her ankle, Achilles tendon between his toes. 

 

Beth moans a yes and follows it up with, "Thank you for being here.  I know I couldn't do this without you."  He squeezes her and nuzzles her neck, inhaling deeply; loving the way she smells.

 

"Baby, there is no where I would rather be.  Thank you for calling me."  He starts to rub her butt and he can feel her body relax.  He rubs her and massages her until he hears her breathing change.  He knew her patterns and he knows it will only be a few minutes until she is in a deep sleep.

 

Once she's sleeping, he eases himself out of bed and gets up.  He needed a cigarette and a glass of wine.  He didn't think that she would have any, but much to his surprise, while he was looking around her new house - he found a wine cellar in the basement.  Several bottles from their vineyard.  He picked his favorite year and took it upstairs.  He found the corkscrew, popped the cork, poured some over an ice cube and took it, with his cigarettes out onto the deck.  Malibu was beautiful at dusk, but  he wasn't feeling it tonight.  He stood on the deck, had his glass of wine and cigarette and went back into the house.  He headed in to check on Beth, stopping at his bag in the hallway.  He grabbed the pictures of the babies that Beth had left him, when she left Queensbury.  Walking down the hallway, he stopped at the nursery doorway and looked in.  He hadn't really looked at it when he stood there with Beth.

 

One step in the doorway, and he has to stop.  He sees the way that Beth had decorated it.  The pictures of his children were all over two walls, mixed in with pictures of him, and him and Beth.  He is amazed at how beautiful she had decorated the room.  It has everything a new mother could want in a nursery, the colors are happy and the girls would have been surrounded by their family.  Jon has to sit down.  The reality of it all is finally setting in.  My babies are dead.

 

Above each dresser, he sees a name written in calligraphy. 

 

Spencer Rose Bongiovi

 

Rowan Carol Bongiovi

 

He fell to his knees, the reality just hit him.  His daughters have names.

 

 

I'll Be There For You

 

http://youtu.be/mh8MIp2FOhc