"Where did you get that?" she shouts at Jon. "That was mine, you had no right!" She scared Jon half to death. He was startled and dropped the book on his desk.
"How long have you been standing there?" he gets up from his chair and walks toward her.
"I've been here long enough to hear you read my private thoughts, thoughts that were for McKenna. Why do you have that?" she's pretty upset, but to see him crying takes her back to that day. The worse day of her life, and quite possibly his as well. "How did you get that, Jon?" she wants an answer. The last time she seen that was when she was finally able to go into McKenna's room and pack her things up. She remembers putting that into a gift box with a shirt that Jesse, Jake, Romeo and Stephanie made for her. The shirt was as special as the journal was. And Beth can't figure out how Jon got his hands on it.
"I went to the house when you were packing, you had to go to L.A. and I went over before the movers arrived. I went into Kenna's room and closed the doors, sat there with her stuff, alone. I seen the box that the kids decorated, the one the shirt was in, so I looked in it and seen the journal and her blanket." He really doesn't want her upset about this. He didn't take it to upset her, hurt her or make her even madder at him. He took it so he would have something of Beth's. He lost her and his daughter, and wanted something to hang onto. He was in mourning, too. "The movers took her stuff last."
"You had no right taking anything from the house. Specially that kind of stuff, Jon. That was mine, that was personal and private." the tears are starting to fill her eyes and her throat is starting to hurt. "Mine, Jon." He walks over and tries to hold her, and she pushes him away. He doesn't give up, he moves in and tries to hold her again. She still resisted and he was still not giving up. History told him, with Beth, it's three tries and she can't fight it anymore. He tries to hold her again and she does just as he thought, she gave in. He held her so tight and she just started to cry, uncontrollably. And her crying was contagious. She made Jon start to cry, again. She puts her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest, and just lets go. They stand there and have a moment together, a moment that they were never allowed to have before. Since McKenna passed away, the time they have spent together has been shrouded in sadness or in the eye of the press. They never had the opportunity to mourn their loss together.
He looks down at her and puts his hand under her chin, with a gentle pull, he is able to get her to look at him. "It's going to be okay, I promise." he tells her with 100% conviction, and she has doubt.
"How is any of this going to be okay? Can you bring my daughter back? Can you unbreak my heart? How Jon, how is any of it going to be okay? And how can you PROMISE that it will be?" She drops her head on his chest again, and this time, she can't let go. He has his arms around her now and is holding her as tight as he can without hurting her. He knows how this is going to go. One thing is for sure, he knows what her next move will be.
She turns her head to the left, leaving her head on Jon's chest and asks him, "Do you ever think about her?" He did not see that one coming. He was certain she would pull away and get even angrier, almost violent. He used to play with her and when she would get 'violent' - he would call that the Italian that he put in her was coming out. That used to infuriate her.
Beth was listening to his heart beat and his breathing. When she asked if he ever thought of McKenna, his heart sped up a little bit. "Honey, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about both of you. Not one!" squeezing her a little tighter, he follows it up with "I have pictures of both of you on my desk, do you want to see?" He leads her over to the desk and there they are, pictures of Beth and McKenna.
The picture of Beth is one that Jon had taken professionally. She is sitting along the Navesink River, and the background is just as beautiful as Beth is. The pictures of McKenna are ultrasound and sonogram pictures. In antique frames that he and Beth bought in Italy a few years ago. Along side the pictures of Beth and McKenna are pictures of Jesse, Jake, Romeo, Stephanie, his mom and dad, his brothers and other important people in his life. Jon likes to be surrounded by things that bring him, or brought him happiness.
He gently nudges Beth to sit in his desk chair and he sits on the counter of the desk. She looks up at him, with red puffy tear filled eyes and says, "Can I have my book back?"
"Of course you can, I didn't take it to keep it from you." He reaches out and runs his hand down her head, moving the hair off her face. "That journal helped me so much Beth. I seen a side of you written on those pages, that I wish I had the chance to see in real life. And the blanket gave me comfort on many nights when I couldn't stop thinking about either of you."
She reaches up and takes the journal in both hands. On the outside, she had written "Book of Dreams" and the inside was filled with her thoughts and feelings regarding life, life with Jon, being pregnant and not being pregnant anymore. The journal ended quite abruptly. She holds the journal close to her heart and says, "This was the hardest time of my life Jon, these were personal feelings and thoughts. They were private. And to be quite honest with you, with the way you handled all of this - you didn't deserve to know what was written on these pages." She's getting upset again, and the overwhelming feeling that she has is to get up and leave.
"Beth, I know I was an ass back then. And I can only apologize so many ways, but none of my apologies and nothing I can do will bring her back. I can't do that, but you know that if I was able to, it would have been done. I'm sorry we lost her, I'm sorry we lost us! Honey, I am just sorry. What can I do to prove that to you?" he leans in toward her and puts his hands on her shoulders, she looks up at him, "I'm sorry."
Sitting in the office that they have made love in many times, means nothing to Beth anymore. She used to wonder how she would feel being back in this house, this far in the house. She didn't think she would ever step foot in this house again. She sits back in the chair, and look up at him, he has tears in his eyes and she asks him, "Why did you send me our baby bracelets? Better yet, why did you take those, too? What else did you take when you were there with the movers?"
The Tiffany bag that she opened yesterday contained bracelets of white gold, with diamonds the color of McKenna's expected birthstone. One for each of them, even McKenna. She wouldn't have been able to wear hers until she was older, and Jon's was a man's bracelet. They had all 3 handcrafted when Beth was 6 months along. Jon had taken them when he took the journal and the blanket. To Beth, it seems like he targeted the special things, but she does know better. Jon is not a bad man, he isn't evil and he never sets out to hurt anyone. Sometimes he may not think things all the way through. "If you have seen any pictures of me over the last 2 years, you might have seen me wearing my bracelet. I thought that maybe if you seen it, you would contact me. I have added McKenna's name to my Father's Necklace. Beth I missed so much and I miss you so much!"
"I don't know what to say or do anymore Jon. I was finally getting to the point in life where I was comfortable that I was over you. I believed I was ready to move on." She stands up and goes to walk passed Jon, he grabs her and pulls her into his legs and locks his feet behind her. "Come on, let me go." She tries to get away and he's not letting her. "Jon, I need to get going. I have to work in the morning. I came out here to tell you to stop torturing me and to please let me get on with life." she tells him with conviction and a firmness he wasn't familiar with.
"Torturing you, what are you talking about? How am I torturing you?" he really has no idea what he's doing to her.
"First you leave the baby's bracelets in my stuff and then you find out where I live and send me her blanket. A blanket that I thought I misplaced. I went nuts unpacking my house because I couldn't find where I packed that Jon. I was gutted when I couldn't find it and to come in here and see you with my journal - what else do you have? What else did you take?" her tone is changing, because she is quite tired.
"I didn't take anything else. No wait, I have this picture of you and Amanda that we took in Prague when we went for fashion week. I took that and had that commissioned into a painting. The two of you were so beautiful that night. The painting is hanging in my studio - it's given me alot of inspiration. Would you like to see it?" Beth shakes her head no. and she again tries to break free of his locked feet, and he lets her go. She still has the book of dreams in her hands and starts to walk toward the office door. She stops, and he's still sitting on the desk, she looks back and says "You have to let me go, Jon. I do not want to do this anymore. Please leave me alone and let me get on with my life. I had to do that for you, now it's your turn to do that for me." She walks out and he doesn't follow her. She walks back through the Hall of Bongiovi and there it is, she notice one of Mckenna's ultrasound pictures on that wall, with the rest of the Bongiovi family. That warms her heart a tad and she leaves the Navesink River house for the last time.
Jon sits on the corner of his desk, for what felt like an eternity. He's not sure what he should do. He loves her so much and cant believe she just walked out like that. He thinks to himself, will I ever see her again?
He moves from the corner of the desk, to sit down in his chair. Grabs a pen and a scratch piece of paper and writes the words, 'When it hurts just to talk and it's too dark to see.....'
She gets into her car and drives back to New York City. She had to be to work by 7:00am. She's a little stressed that she might oversleep her alarm.
She didn't over sleep - actually, she didn't sleep. When she arrived back at home, she went into her room and looked at the stuff that was McKenna's. She grabbed the Tiffany bracelets, the blanket and the journal and started to read it, from the beginning.
Baby, June 18, 2008
I don't know what your name is yet, I don't even know if you're a boy or a girl. But your daddy and I just took a few home pregnancy tests and all of them were positive - so we will get to meet you in about 9 months. Your dad is making me go to the doctor to confirm your're coming and hopefully we will get a date that you might arrive. I am so excited, I have been waiting for someone to tell me I was pregnant for years now. I didn't think I would ever have a baby - but you are on your way. Whether you are a boy or a girl, we don't care, we want you healthy with all fingers and toes. Your daddy is a very famous man that loves your mommy more than life itself. You will be born already having brothers and a sister and some really cool grandparents. You are loved and you are not even here, and it will only get stronger the closer you get to blessing this world with your presence. We love you Baby Bongiovi.
"How long have you been standing there?" he gets up from his chair and walks toward her.
"I've been here long enough to hear you read my private thoughts, thoughts that were for McKenna. Why do you have that?" she's pretty upset, but to see him crying takes her back to that day. The worse day of her life, and quite possibly his as well. "How did you get that, Jon?" she wants an answer. The last time she seen that was when she was finally able to go into McKenna's room and pack her things up. She remembers putting that into a gift box with a shirt that Jesse, Jake, Romeo and Stephanie made for her. The shirt was as special as the journal was. And Beth can't figure out how Jon got his hands on it.
"I went to the house when you were packing, you had to go to L.A. and I went over before the movers arrived. I went into Kenna's room and closed the doors, sat there with her stuff, alone. I seen the box that the kids decorated, the one the shirt was in, so I looked in it and seen the journal and her blanket." He really doesn't want her upset about this. He didn't take it to upset her, hurt her or make her even madder at him. He took it so he would have something of Beth's. He lost her and his daughter, and wanted something to hang onto. He was in mourning, too. "The movers took her stuff last."
"You had no right taking anything from the house. Specially that kind of stuff, Jon. That was mine, that was personal and private." the tears are starting to fill her eyes and her throat is starting to hurt. "Mine, Jon." He walks over and tries to hold her, and she pushes him away. He doesn't give up, he moves in and tries to hold her again. She still resisted and he was still not giving up. History told him, with Beth, it's three tries and she can't fight it anymore. He tries to hold her again and she does just as he thought, she gave in. He held her so tight and she just started to cry, uncontrollably. And her crying was contagious. She made Jon start to cry, again. She puts her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest, and just lets go. They stand there and have a moment together, a moment that they were never allowed to have before. Since McKenna passed away, the time they have spent together has been shrouded in sadness or in the eye of the press. They never had the opportunity to mourn their loss together.
He looks down at her and puts his hand under her chin, with a gentle pull, he is able to get her to look at him. "It's going to be okay, I promise." he tells her with 100% conviction, and she has doubt.
"How is any of this going to be okay? Can you bring my daughter back? Can you unbreak my heart? How Jon, how is any of it going to be okay? And how can you PROMISE that it will be?" She drops her head on his chest again, and this time, she can't let go. He has his arms around her now and is holding her as tight as he can without hurting her. He knows how this is going to go. One thing is for sure, he knows what her next move will be.
She turns her head to the left, leaving her head on Jon's chest and asks him, "Do you ever think about her?" He did not see that one coming. He was certain she would pull away and get even angrier, almost violent. He used to play with her and when she would get 'violent' - he would call that the Italian that he put in her was coming out. That used to infuriate her.
Beth was listening to his heart beat and his breathing. When she asked if he ever thought of McKenna, his heart sped up a little bit. "Honey, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about both of you. Not one!" squeezing her a little tighter, he follows it up with "I have pictures of both of you on my desk, do you want to see?" He leads her over to the desk and there they are, pictures of Beth and McKenna.
The picture of Beth is one that Jon had taken professionally. She is sitting along the Navesink River, and the background is just as beautiful as Beth is. The pictures of McKenna are ultrasound and sonogram pictures. In antique frames that he and Beth bought in Italy a few years ago. Along side the pictures of Beth and McKenna are pictures of Jesse, Jake, Romeo, Stephanie, his mom and dad, his brothers and other important people in his life. Jon likes to be surrounded by things that bring him, or brought him happiness.
He gently nudges Beth to sit in his desk chair and he sits on the counter of the desk. She looks up at him, with red puffy tear filled eyes and says, "Can I have my book back?"
"Of course you can, I didn't take it to keep it from you." He reaches out and runs his hand down her head, moving the hair off her face. "That journal helped me so much Beth. I seen a side of you written on those pages, that I wish I had the chance to see in real life. And the blanket gave me comfort on many nights when I couldn't stop thinking about either of you."
She reaches up and takes the journal in both hands. On the outside, she had written "Book of Dreams" and the inside was filled with her thoughts and feelings regarding life, life with Jon, being pregnant and not being pregnant anymore. The journal ended quite abruptly. She holds the journal close to her heart and says, "This was the hardest time of my life Jon, these were personal feelings and thoughts. They were private. And to be quite honest with you, with the way you handled all of this - you didn't deserve to know what was written on these pages." She's getting upset again, and the overwhelming feeling that she has is to get up and leave.
"Beth, I know I was an ass back then. And I can only apologize so many ways, but none of my apologies and nothing I can do will bring her back. I can't do that, but you know that if I was able to, it would have been done. I'm sorry we lost her, I'm sorry we lost us! Honey, I am just sorry. What can I do to prove that to you?" he leans in toward her and puts his hands on her shoulders, she looks up at him, "I'm sorry."
Sitting in the office that they have made love in many times, means nothing to Beth anymore. She used to wonder how she would feel being back in this house, this far in the house. She didn't think she would ever step foot in this house again. She sits back in the chair, and look up at him, he has tears in his eyes and she asks him, "Why did you send me our baby bracelets? Better yet, why did you take those, too? What else did you take when you were there with the movers?"
The Tiffany bag that she opened yesterday contained bracelets of white gold, with diamonds the color of McKenna's expected birthstone. One for each of them, even McKenna. She wouldn't have been able to wear hers until she was older, and Jon's was a man's bracelet. They had all 3 handcrafted when Beth was 6 months along. Jon had taken them when he took the journal and the blanket. To Beth, it seems like he targeted the special things, but she does know better. Jon is not a bad man, he isn't evil and he never sets out to hurt anyone. Sometimes he may not think things all the way through. "If you have seen any pictures of me over the last 2 years, you might have seen me wearing my bracelet. I thought that maybe if you seen it, you would contact me. I have added McKenna's name to my Father's Necklace. Beth I missed so much and I miss you so much!"
"I don't know what to say or do anymore Jon. I was finally getting to the point in life where I was comfortable that I was over you. I believed I was ready to move on." She stands up and goes to walk passed Jon, he grabs her and pulls her into his legs and locks his feet behind her. "Come on, let me go." She tries to get away and he's not letting her. "Jon, I need to get going. I have to work in the morning. I came out here to tell you to stop torturing me and to please let me get on with life." she tells him with conviction and a firmness he wasn't familiar with.
"Torturing you, what are you talking about? How am I torturing you?" he really has no idea what he's doing to her.
"First you leave the baby's bracelets in my stuff and then you find out where I live and send me her blanket. A blanket that I thought I misplaced. I went nuts unpacking my house because I couldn't find where I packed that Jon. I was gutted when I couldn't find it and to come in here and see you with my journal - what else do you have? What else did you take?" her tone is changing, because she is quite tired.
"I didn't take anything else. No wait, I have this picture of you and Amanda that we took in Prague when we went for fashion week. I took that and had that commissioned into a painting. The two of you were so beautiful that night. The painting is hanging in my studio - it's given me alot of inspiration. Would you like to see it?" Beth shakes her head no. and she again tries to break free of his locked feet, and he lets her go. She still has the book of dreams in her hands and starts to walk toward the office door. She stops, and he's still sitting on the desk, she looks back and says "You have to let me go, Jon. I do not want to do this anymore. Please leave me alone and let me get on with my life. I had to do that for you, now it's your turn to do that for me." She walks out and he doesn't follow her. She walks back through the Hall of Bongiovi and there it is, she notice one of Mckenna's ultrasound pictures on that wall, with the rest of the Bongiovi family. That warms her heart a tad and she leaves the Navesink River house for the last time.
Jon sits on the corner of his desk, for what felt like an eternity. He's not sure what he should do. He loves her so much and cant believe she just walked out like that. He thinks to himself, will I ever see her again?
He moves from the corner of the desk, to sit down in his chair. Grabs a pen and a scratch piece of paper and writes the words, 'When it hurts just to talk and it's too dark to see.....'
She gets into her car and drives back to New York City. She had to be to work by 7:00am. She's a little stressed that she might oversleep her alarm.
She didn't over sleep - actually, she didn't sleep. When she arrived back at home, she went into her room and looked at the stuff that was McKenna's. She grabbed the Tiffany bracelets, the blanket and the journal and started to read it, from the beginning.
Baby, June 18, 2008
I don't know what your name is yet, I don't even know if you're a boy or a girl. But your daddy and I just took a few home pregnancy tests and all of them were positive - so we will get to meet you in about 9 months. Your dad is making me go to the doctor to confirm your're coming and hopefully we will get a date that you might arrive. I am so excited, I have been waiting for someone to tell me I was pregnant for years now. I didn't think I would ever have a baby - but you are on your way. Whether you are a boy or a girl, we don't care, we want you healthy with all fingers and toes. Your daddy is a very famous man that loves your mommy more than life itself. You will be born already having brothers and a sister and some really cool grandparents. You are loved and you are not even here, and it will only get stronger the closer you get to blessing this world with your presence. We love you Baby Bongiovi.
Lots of pain in this chapter.
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