Water Ch. 42 - I Believe 2011

 

"Can you talk?"  she asks with the lump in her throat hurting worse by the second. 

 

"Of course I can.  I am happy to hear your voice." she can tell that he's telling the truth.

 

"Are you busy?" a part of her hopes that he is and hopes that he can't talk - because she really isn't ready.  She just had this overwhelming feeling to call him.

 

"I'm not busy, not busy at all.  What's up?" he questions, getting up to pace the floor of his empty mansion.  The children all went with their mother shopping in NYC. 

 

"We need to talk." she's crying at this point and that makes her angry.  She doesn't want to cry over him or because of him anymore.  She's done that enough. 

 

"Over the phone or do you want to meet somewhere?" crossing his fingers, he's hoping she wants to meet.

 

"I'm in the city, can you come into the city?  Or I can come to you." she doesn't care at this point.  She just wants to talk and get some things off her chest.

 

"Why don't you come here.  We can walk down by the river." he says praying she agrees.

 

"Okay, I'm leaving work.  I'll be there as soon as I can." And she hangs up.

 

Jon stops pacing and stands there.  He is so shocked and suddenly very nervous.  Thinking to himself, Shit I have to go shower.  He heads up stairs and hits the shower. 

 

She gets her things gathered and starts to head out.  She ran into Tammy.  "Where are you going at this hour?  It's still daylight." Tammy says to her boss. 

 

Without stopping or missing a step, Beth says, "New Jersey." And keeps on walking.  Tammy smiles and watches her boss walk away.  A woman that if given the right circumstances, could rule the world.

Beth goes down and gets in her car and drives to Red Bank.  With the windows down and just her thoughts keeping her company.  She is certain that this is a mistake, what does she really expect to come of it.  Anything good?  She really doesn't know if she's ready, but she can't let it go on like this.

He knows where she lives....would he every truly let her go?  Or better yet, can she ever forgive him?  She has to have her say, the say he never let her have.  She needs to tell him what he did to her, when he forced her out of his life.  He has to see, he has to know by now that she wasn't the responsible one.  It wasn't her that did it, it was his wife. 

In the shower, he decided not to shave.  He remembers that Beth absolutely loves the after 5 look  and he was rocking the after midnight look. He hurried, dried and applied some Right Guard then got out her favorite Levi's and t-shirt and put them on.    He was feeling and acting like he was in high school.  He's foolish to think he can win her back this way.  Naturally, she has matured and it takes more than faded Levi's and a t-shirt to give her heart away, again.

Arriving at the Red Bank house was almost more than she could take.  She cannot believe that she was back at this house, fretting over this man.  Millions of women would beg for this opportunity, and here she is almost throwing it away.

She loves him, oh god does she love him, but she loves herself, too.  And lately, she's been winning the war.  She has finally been able to talk about them, about him and some of their past.  She tried very hard to put him in the past, and it was working.  But that must not be what God wants, otherwise he might not have never seen her walking in Red Bank?!?

She makes it to the door and reaches for the doorbell as the door opens.  She has her work clothes on and her favorite Stuart Weitzman shoes, which is good because she feels a little bit more 'powerful' and in control.  If she had her confidence, she was good.

Standing back, he smile and says, "Come in. You look great!"  Closing the door behind her, he leads her into the family portion of the house.

"I don't want this to take all night, Jon." she's certain he would let it take all night, that he would WANT it to take all night. 

"Let's go into the living room.  It's more comfortable there.  Can I get you anything to drink?"  he politely asks his guest. 

Nodding her head no, she looks him up one side and down the other - and damn, he looks good.  She notices the stubble and the jeans.  She loved him in Levi's.  Always has, always will.
She sits down on the floral sofa and Jon sits on the ottoman across from her. She looks at him and thinks how can I love him this much and be so pissed at him? And pissed isn't really the word to describe it.

He leans over, giving her is undivided attention and reaches for her hand. She pulls away, "Please don't." She sits back further on the couch. "I need you to listen to me Jon. Don't talk and don't touch me. Can we do this?"
He simply nods his head yes and says, "I'm listening, go ahead."

"I'm sorry that I allowed you back in here, placing her hands on her chest, (referring to her heart) this past weekend and I'm even more sorry about what WE (emphasizing on the we) did to Dot. That was wrong, you never should have let that happen, let alone cause it to happen. I'm sorry that we made love and I'm sorry that I started to feel for you again. I'm sorry if I led you on in anyway, I'm sure you are just as confused as I have been, but this, me and you, can't happen. It can't. I lost so much when I lost McKenna and then you. Life is finally" she's crying now, "getting to some color of normal. I can't do it." She's exhausted. She puts her head in her hands and says, "It can't happen."
He watches her every word, heard every word she said and it broke his heart to hear those words, looking at her with so much love and adoration he says, "Can I say something?"

"Of course you can, Jon. I just needed to get that out without interruption." She still has her head in her hands and she looks up at Jon. He lets out a little laugh because Beth's make up is smeared and she slightly resembles a raccoon.  He walks over and gets her a few tissues from the end table and hands then to her.

"I love you! You have no idea how much, hell, I didn't know how much until you we're gone. And then it really hit me when we were in the hotel room. Babe, I have missed you and yes, I wanted to find you and make things right with you. But I knew better. When you left, I really thought I would never see you again. I was heartbroken too. I had to deal with losing you and my daughter, along with all of the bullshit from Dorothea." 

He sits back down on the ottoman, grabs her hand and continues. "I don't expect you to understand, and I don't and never have expected you to just take me back. I would be happy starting over as friends. You know we love each other and you know we would be awesome together again. Babe, we were so fucking happy! Can you deny that?" He continues to ignore her request to not be touched, he gently reaches over and puts his finger on her lips. "Beth, I love you!"  She couldn't help herself, she kissed his finger.

"Jon, and I love you but you need to stop. This time you need to let me go. Please!  It's really too much for me to handle all over again.  I have been through hell and I feel like I am finally back.  I enjoyed EVERY second we spent together lately and the sex was great, BUT that's it." She gets up and walks over to the window.  Looking out she sees people kayaking and paddle boating, she thinks to herself, I bet they're happy and have alot less complications in their life.

He walks up behind her and puts his hands on her shoulder, she is startled, but she doesn't pull away.  He can't help himself, he kisses that back of her head and breathes in her beautiful smell.  He has always loved the way she smells.  She puts her head back and rests on Jon's chest.  She asks him, "Jon, do you really believe I would ever hurt you intentionally?  EVER?" 

He wraps his arms around her and tells her, "Back then I was a nut job.  If someone had told me the sky was purple, I would have believed them.  That's what I need you to see, honey - when we ended, I wasn't myself.  Losing McKenna hit me like a mack truck.  I have never had anything like that happen to me before and I had no idea how I was supposed to act."  They stood there looking out the window and she was back in the safety of his arms, but there was so much more lacking.  So much dead debris in her heart and so many shadows.  Forgiveness was a long way off and forgetting was never going to happen. 

"When I lost McKenna, I lost a very big part of myself.  It took me forever to even say her name out loud.  I stayed in my house as long as I could, until I got to the point where I dreaded going home.  I would work 20 hour days to not go home.  Moving helped, moving helped alot.  Leaving behind her bedroom, that we painted and decorated.  Leaving those words on the wall that you painted, oh God that was hard.  The lyrics and the moon, I wanted to take those pieces of the walls with me." Her thoughts are all over the place right now and there wasn't an easy way to keep up, so he just listened. 
"It took me 4 months to even go in her room.  The gifts that we got at our last shower, do you remember that shower Jon, the couples shower, the gifts from that never made it into her bedroom.  They were in the guest room until I moved.  I never got the chance to open and wash stuff before she came, and then when she was gone - I didn't know what  to do with the stuff.  People that hadn't heard the news were sending me "Welcome the new baby cards' for weeks after she was gone.  I bet I got at least 20."

She pulls away and looks out another window, hoping a new view might help.  It didn't.  "Beth, how could I have helped you with that stuff if you didn't tell me about it?  The things in the guest room, I could have taken care of that.  With you being you, I figured there was a reason they weren't in her room yet.  Why would I have questioned that?  The cards, you never told me about the cards.  I couldn't help you, cause you never told me."  He's looking at her with empathy and wants nothing more than to just hold her. 

Facing him with tears in her eyes, "Jon, the guest room and the mail were just pre-cursors to what was coming.   I seen it coming.  The loss of McKenna was the door that Dorothea needed and you let her right in.  What is it with you and open doors?"  Beth lets out a little chuckle.  "Bottom line here Jon is this, I believe that too much has happened between us, to us and with us to ever go back.  I do want you to know that I do love you and I will always love you - but there is NO way in hell, I would carry your baggage anymore.  And the only baggage I'm referring to is your wife.  She has done way too much for me to even let her become a slice of my life, and if I were with you, she would have to be, you share children."  She feels great, she just bottom lined it and it all came out great.  She nailed it.  Was it because she was still in her powersuit and shoes, or was it Beth excercising her back bone against a man that made her weak in the knees.  She did know that this talk wasn't over.

"Can you take a minute and put yourself in my situation, cause I can honestly tell you - I have thought about this from all angles and I don't think you have looked at it from mine.' he asks her, and he's getting a little upset now.

"Which angle is that Jon?" she really wants to know what he thinks here.  Because she knows she has looked at it from all angles.  What could he possibly have to say that would change any of this?  He looks sullen and beaten down now and she feels a little bad, but not bad enough to let up or grab on.  She is there for the right reason.